by Steven Fishman
27: Epilogue: Getting Really Clear
It is now sixteen months later. That's right -- sixteen months since I completed writing Lonesome Squirrel. I wanted to bring you up to date.
On the 20th of July, 1990, I was sentenced by Judge D. Lowell Jensen to a five year prison term for Mail Fraud and Obstruction of Justice to be served at the Federal Correctional Institute at Butner, North Carolina. My Prisoner Number is 17280-004. Butner is a psychiatric federal prison facility run by the United States government.
In the meantime and afterward, I have had extensive counseling by four ex-Scientologists, all of whom were ex-Sea Org members. They are Margery Wakefield of Tampa, whose life I once was ordered to ruin while I was an agent of the Guardian's Office back in 1982, as well as a very dedicated team of counselors from California who include five year veteran Eddie Da Rocha, formerly of the Flag Command Bureaux; Richard Padilla, who did a highly volatile six month stint at the Commodore's Messenger Org of the Pacific; and John Swanson, a previously well-respected staff member of Golden Era Productions who spent twelve years in Scientology and is a Clear.
My fear of ex-Scientologists was formidable. They had always been portrayed as "psychotic mad dogs" -- but they are not. In fact, they are quite sane. If it is any consolation to you, I am by far a lot crazier than they are.
Beyond the issue of sanity, my counselors are caring, compassionate, and above all, ethical -- they did not lie to me.
I listened to their experiences about life in the Sea Org -- a seamier side of Scientology which I never saw because I was an upstat income producer for so many years. I learned of the monotonous drudgery of performing menial tasks, the clustered berthing of eight people sleeping in one room stacked up high with bunk beds, the boring, tasteless cafeteria food day after day, the lack of medical attention, and the dog- eared books that everyone had to share during study time, which was often only once a week, if at all.
They told me all about the abandonment of the elderly, who were "off-loaded" or expelled from the Sea Org when they were too old or too sick to function productively on post. The fortunate ones had families to return to. However, for many others who have served loyally for twenty years or more and who had either disconnected from their former loved ones or who were all alone in the world, quite often they were driven to the nearest public hospital and dumped there, forced to live in the streets as homeless people, foraging through garbage cans in despair for their food.
Of course, the "crime" of becoming sick and getting old can easily be explained away as "PTS", but is that the kind of new civilization we were creating?
I was starting to think for the first time in eleven years.
What about the very young -- the offspring of the Sea Org elite who are the heirs and heiresses of Ron's Tech?
Well, with their parents "fired up" on missions throughout the planet, these youngsters were the stats of the "nannies", who typically Uphold and Forward the Command Intention of L. Ron Hubbard rather than the love, patience and understanding of Mary Poppins, and in practice aren't very "reasonable" toward the children.
Then again, being "reasonable" encourages downstats, doesn't it?
According to Eddie Da Rocha, this formula of child rearing by stats produces a Valuable Final Product of neurotic, rebellious brats -- young future gung-ho Scientologists who are ignored, neglected and abused. According to Eddie, the Cadet Estates Org at 1845 North Bronson Street in Hollywood, California, had an overwhelming stench of urine. Perhaps there is a logical explanation -- more emphasis on Academy Training than toilet training, or something equally as acceptable.
However, as Eddie brought out, the nannies have a great role model for unusual behavior -- David Miscavige, the Chairman of the Board of Religious Technology Center, who often relished and enjoyed spitting on Sea Org Members who were in the Rehabilitation Project Force or RPF. I am always the first thetan to defend and protect the right of a Scientology Celebrity to clear his throat, but the contempt of International Management, the Executive Strata, and the Flag Command Bureaux for ordinarily Scientology Orgs (non-Sea Orgs) is well known and demonstrated, both in clay and in mucous. Disdain for the wog world is generally evident and apparent in this book, but I have by no means been an isolated case. There is also a chauvinism in Scientology toward women. Sea Org females are acknowledged by "Yes, Sir!", and the only women who are encouraged to act feminine or even seductive are the registrars, and only during the course of selling auditing and training packages to male raw meat.
Although taking a critical look at some of this data was hard to swallow because of my dedication and commitment, throughout my counseling I easily justified the Scientology viewpoint with pat cliches and neat little "PR" statements, as I felt it was necessary to safeguard the Tech. The Tech, after all, was worth protecting at any cost. Sure there were abuses, but wasn't it worth it? Lives were ruined, people got raped, property was destroyed, some disappeared under mysterious circumstances, but at least the Tech survived without a scratch.
The Tech could never be wrong -- even though I had been accused of squirreling the data contained in the LRH Time Pilot Rundown. Well, that was a secret withhold that Ron and I shared, despite the fact that there is no Hidden Data Line in Scientology. Oh well, that level has not been released yet anyway. Ron had entrusted the highest OT levels on the planet to Pat and Annie Broeker, and one day they would make it available -- probably when every Scientologist was the size of Old Saint Hill, or when the Wall of Fire was put out, whichever came first.
But lo and behold, Pat and Annie Broeker were kicked out on their butts by David Miscavige! Rumor had it that they were wandering aimlessly through the streets of East L.A., trying to cognite on what had happened to them. Has anybody actually heard from these people? Kindly let me know.
My counselors began to shoot some potholes in the Tech, much to my surprise, shock and chagrin.
For instance, I never knew that it was Super-Squirrel David Mayo, the former Case Supervisor International, who actually came up with the idea of Solo NOTs (New Era Dianetics for OTs), in order to rescue the sagging stats of the 1970's. Ron actually had nothing to do with it! David Mayo gave Solo NOTs to L. Ron Hubbard as a present!
I never knew that!
But Eddie, Richard and John showed me that Solo NOTs was also a grandiose parcel of illogical confusion that could not possibly add up.
During the auditing of Solo NOTs, an OT handles his Body Thetans, or the Degraded Beings who have attached themselves to a body part, by Clearing each Body Thetan, and commanding each one to pick up a new body.
As a part of this auditing, an OT typically runs out and Clears over a thousand Body Thetans or more by the time he attests to completing the level.
But after every one of the Body Thetans have been run out and made Clear, won't we run out of new bodies for the Body Thetans to pick up? Where will they go if they can't pick up a new body? Will they come back to haunt us? Won't a lack of bodies in physical universe inventory be the source of a tremendous ARC Break or upset for them? They might have to band together and start World War III just to obtain a fresh supply of new baby bodies to occupy, recently recycled through the Between Lives Area Implant Station, which by the way is on the planet Venus.
Furthermore, once these Body Thetans have been permanently Cleared and the supply is exhausted, what will there be for the next group of OTs to audit out or handle? Will the registrar simply say, "Forget this level, because all the Body Thetans in the world have been Cleared already!"
I doubt it.
Registrars would never talk like that. They would sell you the level anyway, Body Thetans or not. Right?
Of course, some posthumous Hubbard Communications Office Bulletin by Ron might be later "found", demanding that the fifty million Body Thetans who are dancing on the left wing of a Psychiatric Fruit Fly must be gotten rid of, sparing no expense. Or better yet, we can simply mock some more up! Yeah! Let's just postulate some brand new entheta Body Thetans so that the registrar's stats won't crash. That will handle it!
We've got to invent something to keep people at effect rather than at cause, don't we?
Finally, a good excuse for justifying Solo NOTs would be that we have millions, not thousands of Body Thetans to handle. That would be great news for the registrar, particularly since they are Cleared one Body Thetan at a time during Solo NOTs auditing.
However, such a stunt would invalidate all of the Solo NOTs completions who have already attested to having terminated the level.
But what the hell is wrong with that? We could send the bunch of them to Qual for a Review and the registrar would have a field day!
There might even be billions of Body Thetans to handle! We could give everybody a nice big lose, which could always be repaired by more Scientology!
All sorts of extraordinary solutions could be mocked up and delivered in order to satisfy the theta-thirsty Scientology consumer.
By the way -- have you noticed how many brand new and exciting HCO Bulletins and Policy Letters have come out in 1987, 1988, 1989 and 1990 -- all after Ron dropped his body? How did this data get written down or communicated? Is there a fax machine on New Arcturus? Maybe the Tech was simply sitting around in an ash can for five or six years, and some Sea Org Executive in a big rush to win the Birthday Game accidentally tripped over it. No, that wouldn't work, because the original issue would have been dated with the actual date when Ron wrote it, and all of the recent Bulletins or Policy Letters have new dates on them, indicating that Ron wrote them recently. But from where and to whom? How would it be possible?
Well, I have at least one clue.
During 1982, while I was a G. O. Agent, I was mustered on an "All Hands Order" to work on a project known as "Standing Order Number One", in which Ron wrote, "All mail addressed to me shall be received by me."181 Apparently Ron had not been too swift in his post as a pen pal at that time, and had been allowing his mail to pile up on Fred Hare's desk in the Guardian's Office, of all places. I was called in by Fred to "answer" a lot of Ron's mail as if it had come from Ron personally, primarily due to my writing skills, and my loyal, unquestioning acceptance of the justification that I was acting as Ron's right arm by directing students and preclears to the exact Source reference which would handle their problem or ARC Break. I had ten or eleven "model letters" written by Ron to choose from in order to help me wear my hat, so at no time did I feel that I was doing anything non-standardly or without Ron's approval. The purpose of answering each letter was to get the person back on the Bridge and winning, so why should it matter if Ron never saw the letter in defiance of his own Policy? Fred Hare told me that I was part of the "Source Pool" and that I was helping Ron, so how could I lose?
Well, I was lying to people, that's how -- and furthermore, Ron was condoning it. I wonder who is writing Ron's Bulletins now?
At the time, I was too busy Clearing the planet to question it, or to even examine whether or not I was doing anything wrong. And that brought me to an even greater realization, thanks to Eddie De Rocha and my other counselors.
Can the planet actually be Cleared?
How can it be, with the growing stat of ex-Scientologists? That is the stat which nobody ever hears about. Margery Wakefield has a mailing list of 1,200 ex-Scientologists and their families. Her stat of "New Names to Central Files" is rising every day. These people don't want to be Cleared. They want to get away from Scientology. But aren't they part of the planet too?
And do you honestly think that anyone is ever going to offer to Clear dear me, Malchoot, the Lonesome Squirrel, all the way through New OT VIII? Get real! Forget about it! It's not going to happen -- not now, not ever!
What about the numerous Ethics considerations in Clearing the planet? All Scientologists, especially Sea Org Members, are very interested in that aspect of world Clearing.
It costs roughly between $ 50,000 and $ 100,000 to go Clear these days, depending upon where you go for it.
Is the Church of Scientology about to send a team of Sea Org Class XII Auditors to a Cambodian refugee camp to Clear those unfortunate, neglected people? How welcome do you think a Scientology Mission would be in Libya? Are there any plans underway to establish the Haitian Org lately, where the per capita income of that country is barely enough to afford a second helping of cockroach stew?
Oh, I get it.
We are going to give it all away in those Source-forsaken places, aren't we? But wouldn't that be a flagrant reward of a downstat? Free service for people who cannot afford to pay? Ron would hate that idea far worse than he even hated Social Security!
Besides, wouldn't that be a slap-in-the-face invalidation for all of those dedicated Scientologists who mortgaged their wives and mothers in order to shell out their hard-earned beans for auditing?
It just wouldn't fly.
The planet can never be Cleared. L. Ron Hubbard knew that!
What are you going to do with people like Margery Wakefield and Eddie De Rocha? Are you going to tie them down to sauna benches and shoot them up with Cal-Mag flavored Niacin guk bombs until they holler "uncle" and express a willingness to be Cleared? Or do we just shoot them or throw them into a microwave oven or gas chamber with the more cooperative psychiatrists?
Just what would the world really look like if Scientology ever took over?
Source only knows!
Possibly a civilization with insanity, Org-anized crime and more, where Miscavige can prosper and only Hubbard had rights, and where Man is doomed to Ethics and a lot of sleepless nights.
What about actual statistics?
How many Scientologists are there on the planet?
I have read promotional materials that speak of six million people.
Maybe the data is slightly exaggerated.
Suppose that the true figure was only five hundred thousand.
If the average Scientologist spends $ 50,000 in the course of his involvement with the Church, that comes to twenty-five billion dollars, give or take a few pennies. Where does that money go? Not into salaries, that's for sure. Sea Org base pay is thirty dollars per week at last blush. Certainly not into food, housing, medical care, or PTS pension funds. Well sure, the uniforms are kind of cute in an upstat way. Maybe that is where the money went, although not all of it, since Sea Org women still have to buy their own underwear, the last I heard.
Maybe the money is safely nested away in an escrow account to be used for Ron's 100th birthday party in the year 2011. Perhaps in the true spirit of play, they will forgive me for all of my recent cognitions and invite me. We shall see.
The thing that pissed me off the most was how the Church pretended that I didn't exist throughout my trouble with the law. I was ordered to kill myself, and then when I couldn't confront that because I had promised Ron that I would de-Christianize the planet, the International Justice Chief Paul Laquerre slapped an Irrevocable Ethics Order on me.
Good old Paul. My buddy.
Eddie Da Rocha said that he was sent to the Rehabilitation Project Force himself. Imagine! The Highest Ethics Authority on the planet, sent to the RPF, and he never even bothered to write me a letter and tell me why! I spent the last two years of my life under house arrest, absorbed with what I was going to say to him in my Petition to have my Irrevocable Ethics Order postponed, and unbeknownst to me, he was in Treason too! The new International Justice Chief is Wendy Chalmers. I'm sure that she hates me as much as Paul did, if not more.
Michael Hambrick perjured himself in Court. Peter Letterese lied to the FBI. But that is okay because I am an SP!
I am now considered an Suppressive Person, despite all of the good that I have done for Scientology. You know all about it -- you just read my book. What I wanted to find out was who decided to unmock and negate all of my illustrious accomplishments in the Third Dynamic? Why was it that all of my years of positive service to Ron were now forgotten and thrown down the toilet?
Some zealot at International Management with a firecracker up his ass decided that I was expendable, that's why. Abandoning me served the Greatest Good for the Greatest Number of Dynamics.
But isn't that Verbal Tech? Ron never wrote a Policy Letter calling for the disavowal of Steve Fishman's actions. Nor did he order any OT Eights to terminate my beingness after this lifetime. It is all Verbal Tech. It isn't written anywhere. Is there an instruction manual on how to trap and kill a thetan? How do you succeed in terminating the beingness of an immortal spiritual being anyway?
That brought me to my biggest cognition of all.
L. Ron Hubbard lied to me.
I was subjected to Mind Control, if not Mind Rape.
Don't bother looking up Mind Control in the Dianetics and Scientology Technical Dictionary. You won't find it. In my case, Mind Control was a system of influence used to change my beliefs and identity. The Church of Scientology exploited my need for approval, and my desperation to be loved. I allowed myself to be controlled through fear -- fear of being invalidated, dread of Ethics, and terror of losing my immortality through Irrevocable Ethics Orders and other assorted cockamamie bullshit. I had the felony compounded through massive doses of hypnosis -- both by my auditors, and to a lesser degree by Dr. Geertz. Don't think for a moment that reverie, boil off and anaten are not hypnosis, because they are. Even the TRs are a form of both hypnosis and Mind Control. The language of Scientology removed me further and further from my friends and family, which ultimately made me more susceptible to their system of influence, or thought reform.
Words like "Reasonableness" and "Human Emotion and Reaction", which have positive connotations in wog society have quite negative implications in Scientology. Even my reference to "wog society" is an example of how language influences thinking.
Eddie Da Rocha gave me a book to read, entitled Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan (Park Street Press, Rochester, Vermont, 1988). That helped tremendously. The author wasn't even a former Scientologist -- he is an ex-Moonie. Yet there were similarities, and I realized this.
I have a long way to go.
Like an alcoholic who admits to having a problem, that was my first step toward recovery. I freely confess that I am halfway nuts. The mental image pictures and the nightmares which I still have are enough to frighten the dead into an auditing chair. Scenes of concentration camps and rapes and hangings and cannibalism haunt and torment me day and night. The very thought of going into agreement with psychiatry still sends chills up and down my spine, and I cringe in horror at their abuses. None of the therapy that I received from Uwe Geertz, Margaret Singer, and Richard Ofshe allowed me to break away from Scientology, because I perceived the "psychs" as the "enemy." All "psychs" are "enemy SPs" to a dedicated Scientologist. There was never any element of trust with respect to the therapists. How could I respond to them if I did not trust them? After all, none of them have ever gone through what I went through. They will freely admit that.
But my counselors, on the other hand, are all ex-Scientologists. I have been able to relate to them. Margery Wakefield is facing a prison sentence of her own for speaking out in defiance of a gag order prohibiting her from talking about Scientology. Why would Scientology pay such a high price for silence unless there was something very ominous to hide?
There is no doubt in my mind -- Scientology is a cult, and also a business. L. Ron Hubbard set it all up that way. He was the Establishment Officer of False Data International. Ron lied to me, just as he is lying to every Scientologist on the face of this un-Clearable planet. Indeed he is Source -- the Source of Lies.
In the real world of practical, applied Scientology, if you cease to be valuable to Scientology and to L. Ron Hubbard, you cease to be valuable as a thetan.
Well, my friends -- I am turning in my thetan. I want to be valuable to others, in spite of myself.
I have also found that through the support of caring people and true friends, the Lonesome Squirrel isn't quite so lonesome anymore.
Total Freedom is quite accurately freedom from L. Ron Hubbard.
So the parting advice which I wish to give you is to stay Clear -- of Scientology.
[Contents] [Footnotes on sources]