Stat Pushers on the Internet

a.r.s., 25 Dec 1995

It just occurred to me that part of Andy Milne's job as NEThics Officer of the Internet is to compile his stats every week by Thursday at 2 PM.

So what are the stats of a NEThics officer anyway?

I mean, this is real serious stuff here.

A NEThis officer has to physically count the number of articles favorable to Scientology and the number of articles unfavorable to Scientology. And then he has to divide them and come up with a number and that's his stat.

If your stats are way down, your pay goes way down, or you get subsistence pay, or no pay, or you might owe OSA money.

So I just realized, if Andy's stats are way down, he might not eat this week.

Not that I would ever accuse Andy of being a stat pusher, but maybe, just maybe, Andy puts in those bright bulb articles like the nine hundred and sixty-fifth quote from one of my court-appointed psychologists not because he wants to be the new Internet Opinion Leader (everyone knows he's not even trying to be that) or because he just can't go through the day without thinking about me (no, the fatal attraction theory doesn't fly either).

It just dawned on me that poor, sad Andy is hungry, and he didn't get to eat last week. His stats were down and they didn't feed him!

So now all we have to do to make Andy happy is to figure out what he likes to eat. Maybe he likes "Tang", that powdered orange juice that the astronauts used to advertise on TV. Andy can use that for energy when he does the OT levels and is in some kind of loop with the e-meter, fighting the third invader alien force on Marcab or New Helatrobus with one hand while he is writing down his rock slams with the other.

Just tell me --- does anyone know what Andy likes to eat? Cheerios, breakfast of champions, what would make this guy happy. It seems like all he eats is crow and just like us, he is tired of the same old thing.

You know, all kidding aside, these guys are supposed to know how to communicate, and they are just abysmal at it. They can't seem to get it right. Maybe if he and Vera and don't forget Glind, poor Glind. If they could just write their own uncensored material, it might go further and carry some weight on the newsgroup.

There is a point to this article.

After all these years, I've been trying to isolate those qualities in Scientology I liked the least, and one of those elements, the thing that attracted me to the battle we fought in Holland was that I never liked censorship.

Even before the arrest when I was in good standing with even the most brutal of my ethics officers and my own stats were up the wall and pasted on the ceiling and I was flying with the securities fraud claims and everything and I was embraced in every Org as this big time book buyer of LRH, the thing that gave me this big reality check was the censorship. When I said something funny, I had to read C/S 100, on "Jokers and Degraders." How many of you out there had that one memorized too?

Censorship in Scientology was far more pervasive than their telling you what books not to read, what news programs not to watch and what SP's in your family you had to disconnect from.

You had to censor your own thoughts. Did you ever read the Joburg confessional? (HCOPL 7 April 1961 RB, Revised 22 October 1980)

I'll probably be sued for this but look at question 86: "Have you ever had any unkind thoughts about Mary Sue?"

I mean, this HCOPL was revised and republished in October 1980. She was in prison already, wasn't she?

Then we get really loopy here on Question 76a: "Have you committed any overts against Infinity?"

Well, what about the people who didn't do New OT VIII yet and didn't find out that Hubbard was God or Infinity or the Eighth Dynamic and they had this overt against infinity. They hated infinity because in algebra class in high school they couldn't divide by it or something.

But if you had that one little overt against infinity, you might never go OT and the whole planet might get cleared, so you run this grand scale guilt trip and start censoring everything you ever knew or didn't know about infinity and you start caving yourself in.

I like #72c: "Have you committed any overts against time?" Yeah, I forgot to set my watch. Oooooooh! Or I made a wrong turn during the Between Lives Area and I chose to pick up a body during the same century that Hubbard was alive.

The best one of all is #96: Are you upset about this Confessional List? No, I love being asked questions to piss me off. Duh!

So to tie this whole post together, do not allow anyone to tell you how to think, what not to think about, and above all, even if you are sitting in an RPF prison cell reading alt.religion.scientology (yeah, right) do not lose your sense of humor.

Which brings me right back to Andy Milne, where I started this tirade.

If Andy was funny, and if Cory would lighten up, and if Vera would come out of the closet and be somebody, we would enjoy reading them a lot more.

Then their stats would improve, they would all have enough food to eat, and I could move on to a more relevant topic.

With Best Wishes,

Steve Fishman